


And Who Knew What to Do (With All I Felt for You)

by emberanne



Series: In Spite of the Way That It Is [5]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Acceptance, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Gen, Kim Hongjoong-centric, Love is Less Hard, M/M, Panic Attacks, emotions are hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 16:08:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29794455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emberanne/pseuds/emberanne
Summary: “Breathe for me, Hongjoong-ah. It's going to be okay. Take a deep breath, okay? I'll do it with you. You're safe, I'm here."Those words have washed over Hongjoong a dozen times before, always when he needs them most and always with the utmost care. He knows those words (You’re safe, I’m here) they’ve always helped him catch his heart before it leaps out of his chest.But these words are not those words.These words are laced with power.-or, a familiar event from hongjoong's perspective
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong & Park Seonghwa, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Series: In Spite of the Way That It Is [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1927066
Comments: 7
Kudos: 72





	And Who Knew What to Do (With All I Felt for You)

**Author's Note:**

> title from Alice By Heart
> 
> cw // allusions to anxiety, self-worth issues, self-destructive habits; explicitly mentioned and poorly described panic attacks

Looking back, Hongjoong doesn’t know where it started. In all honesty, he’s still not completely sure what  _ it  _ is. 

What he does know is that he never expected  _ it _ to grow into what it is now when he first started feeling everything. When wanting to know Seonghwa became liking Seonghwa became trusting Seonghwa became whatever  _ it _ is that he feels towards Seonghwa now. When he met Seonghwa on that first day of college all those months ago, he never could have expected this. 

He’s cute, Hongjoong had thought to himself. And then, within a week of knowing Seonghwa and seeing him around campus, He’s lonely. 

(Hongjoong has never been good at letting people be lonely. Not if he can help it.)

Seonghwa was lonely, but Hongjoong quickly realized that Seonghwa was used to being alone. And that, to a certain degree, Seonghwa’s isolation from friendship was a conscious choice. Hongjoong pushed and pulled and tried and it took fighting for them to finally fall into something that could be called friendship. Even then, it was a different kind of friendship than what Hongjoong is used to. 

In a lot of ways, it’s better than the friendship Hongjoong is used to, because there is no doubt in his mind that he trusts Seonghwa implicitly. He doesn’t like being vulnerable around people, he doesn’t like exposing his anxieties and all of the negativity eating him up inside. His life is good, he knows that. He’s a mid-tier, he has a loving family and great friends, he attends a great university on scholarship. Life is good. 

(He spends hours wondering if this is enough, if this will ever be enough, if he will ever be enough. He drowns in thoughts of not deserving all the good he has been handed in life and hates how relieved he is that he ended up a mid-tier. Sometimes he loses track of hours, days, and falls into the mechanics of class, work, class, work, rinse, repeat and cannot do, think, feel anything other than those two things.)

But he’s human, so sometimes he loses it and he doesn’t like showing that to people because his life is good. Because there are so many other people out there struggling and really, who is Hongjoong to be in pain when so many have it worse. So he doesn’t show it, no matter how exhausting it is to have a smile on his face and a spring in his step, until Seonghwa comes into his life and forces Hongjoong to actually sleep once in a while. 

There’s a lot that Seonghwa doesn’t tell Hongjoong and it’s something he’s come to terms with. Seonghwa has secrets, has demons, and Hongjoong knows Seonghwa well enough that Seonghwa wouldn’t hold so much close to his chest if it didn’t have consequences. So Hongjoong doesn’t ask, no matter how curious he is, because Seonghwa doesn’t judge Hongjoong for being in pain and holds him when he cries and just does so much for him. 

And it’s never been a problem. Hongjoong didn’t ask, Seonghwa opened up at his own turtle-like pace, and their friendship burned warm and true. 

Until now. 

It’s not Hongjoong’s first panic attack around Seonghwa and before Seonghwa’s words changed colors, Hongjoong thought it wouldn’t be the last. Seonghwa always treats Hongjoong so kindly when this happens, wipes the tears and snot from Hongjoong’s face and whispers quiet reassurances. Seonghwa has never made fun of Hongjoong or asked why everything was happening, he always comes running at the first sign of a breakdown. Seonghwa does so much and if he could, he would do more. 

Hongjoong just didn’t think Seonghwa could. 

“ _ Breathe for me, Hongjoong-ah. It's going to be okay. Take a deep breath, okay? I'll do it with you. You're safe, I'm here." _

Those words have washed over Hongjoong a dozen times before, always when he needs them most and always with the utmost care. He knows those words (You’re safe, I’m here) they’ve always helped him catch his heart before it leaps out of his chest. 

But these words are not those words. 

These words wash over Hongjoong in a way they never have before. These words whisper memories of peace and comfort, reminders of the moments in life where he hasn’t felt so miserable. These words could calm an empire, could soothe a raging fire. 

These words are laced with power. 

These words are laced with emotion. 

These words are the words of an empath. 

Hongjoong looks at Seonghwa and thinks to himself, My best friend is an empath. 

Empaths are monsters, Hongjoong has been taught this since he was a child. It’s never something he fully understood, just because someone can become a monster doesn’t mean they will, but the empath track record is far from impressive so there must be some truth to it. Empaths are powerful beyond imagination, impossible to defeat, ruthless and immune to the woes of their victims. 

Hongjoong has never had a hard time believing that empaths are dangerous. 

Seonghwa is dangerous. 

There is a voice in Hongjoong, a very loud voice, that tells Hongjoong he needs to run and report this to the first hero station he comes across. There is an empath in front of him, an empath has just manipulated his emotions, Hongjoong is in danger and he needs to get help. 

It’s just Hwa, says another voice, warm in a way the first voice could never be. Hwa would never try to hurt you. He didn’t tell you because he couldn’t. 

Seonghwa has backed himself into the corner of his apartment, knees pulled to his chest and head clutched desperately in his hands. His breathing is harsh, his eyes are far from the world between them. His sweatshirt is wet from Hongjoong’s tears.

(“Do you think you could ever fear me?” 

“Should I fear you?”

“Probably.”)

Seonghwa throws himself forward, body colliding with Hongjoong and sending them both to the ground. The back of Hongjoong’s head smacks solidly against the wood, but there’s no time to groan in pain and make sure he isn’t bleeding because Seonghwa is scrambling over Hongjoong’s body. 

(How long has Seonghwa had to run from a power he had no choice in?)

Hongjoong doesn’t think twice when he grabs Seonghwa’s ankle and yanks as hard as he can. He doesn’t need to debate whether or not to use his power to straddle Seonghwa against the ground and hold him in place, he just does it. 

(“I’ll stay.”)

He doesn’t know what  _ it _ is that he feels for Seonghwa and he doesn’t really need to. 

It’s just Hwa, he tells himself. Hwa holds me when I cry, pokes me till I laugh, makes sure I take a nap when I’m running ragged. Hwa discovers new things and has stars in his eyes, he laughs and looks like he’s in pain. Hwa talks to his plants and bows to the convenience store workers. It’s just Hwa. 

Hwa is the empath who used his power to help his best friend get through a panic attack. 

Hwa is not a monster.

There’s nothing to be afraid of. 

“Look at me,” Hongjoong begs. It’s taking all of his strength to hold Seonghwa down. “Hwa, breathe for me.” 

(You have always helped me breathe, it’s my turn to help you.) 

“Look at me. Listen to me. Come back to me.” 

(You make me happy. You make me feel safe. I want to make you happy too. I want to make you feel safe too.) 

“It’s just me, it’s just me. I’m not afraid of you.” 

(You are my best friend. Nothing else matters.) 

Seonghwa’s arms stop thrashing. 

“I’m not afraid of you,” Hongjoong repeats and shifts to intertwine their fingers. “I’m not afraid of you.” 

(I love you far too much to ever be afraid of you.) 

Seonghwa’s eyes travel lengths that no one else will ever know and land on Hongjoong’s eyes. 

“Come back to me,” Hongjoong whispers. “I could never be afraid of you.” 

And he never will. 

**Author's Note:**

> i thought i was done and then my brain was like nah you thought. i hope this was a satisfying easter egg/behind the scenes, idek what to call this. give me like twelve hours and i might take this down but i also might just change a line or two, we'll see in the morning!


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